We hear often from blended families that we have work with the following challenge during the holidays..."the kids say that Dad's House (or Mom's House) had the best Christmas!" That naturally stings. Sometimes kids don't fully understand the power of the spoken word...sometimes they do. We encourage Blended Family parents to 'be still and know that God is God' and let Him handle it His way.
Perhaps one family's Christmas did shine brighter above the other for some reason. Yet we can find a key 'teachable moment' point we as parents often miss. The 'had the best Christmas' syndrome usually has underpinnings and the comments birthed from one parents need to 'compete'. The unfortunate goal is to make their house better by trying to 'outdo' the other parent, step-parent or residence. It is an insecure parent does this in their need to make themselves 'better'.
It is important to remember, most of the time, the children are innocent in this scenario.They want to be loved by all, yet often can be without knowing, 'steered' by a manipulative parent.
Rise above this situation as best you can. Yes, that is easier to say than do often times...but greater payoff in the end. As Co-Parents we are called to support one other and to encourage positive relationships and the need to have parenting time at both homes and with both family situations.
Send forth the message that children truly want to hear from you...
"It's okay to love both families."
That's the ONLY MESSAGE OF CO-PARENTING that a parent should work to instill into the heart, mind and soul of thier child. To do anything less is to not truly 'win' the heart of the child, but moreso it displays a 'loser' mentality of the parent promoting superiority of one home over the other. Strong words perhaps...but accurate because of the long term damage that a parent coaching negativity can create.
Be the Leader. Let the children love the families God has placed them into freely.
Write us with your stories if this touched a memory.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
"See Them As Christ Sees Them"
Each `human heart` (person) in a blended family will have, from time to time, a person in their new family with whom they will be upset, hurt by, even angry for some reason, whether justified or often not.
It is often common when a child in new blended family thinks of a non-biological parent (step-parent) as `hating them`, or `being unfair` or even using those famous words 'you`re not my Mom/Dad!'.
It also could be a situation where one `ex` looks at another believing they are working to undermine a relationship with a bio child, or `reaching into` the new blended families home with comments about the home, the new marriage, or worst of all manipulating the minds of a child about your new spouse or family.
A `child` lashing out in a disrespectful moment, the `ex` trying to steal a special time with a child, the fellow parent speaking up for their own son or daughter at home...or any moment where a less than normal emotion or situation arises are all sadly common. Clearly we all experience these in blended families.
Commonly our human weakness is to blame, point the finger at someone, speak ill of them, throw up our hands and say `I quit`, or even saying things that can`t be taken back...all common or natural human reactions. If this is you as an adult or child...don`t beat yourself up...you have about 120 million fellow Americans in the same situation and slipping up the same as you. :-)
A Pastor / Author / Conference Speaker close friend and colleague, Dr. Dan Erickson ( http://www.greateryes.com/ ) once shared with us one of the most powerful comments as to these situations.
Powerful words. Think on this. If we could view the situation, or the `human heart`, as Christ does as He looks down upon us from Heaven...might we pause...feel sorry and hurt for the person acting out or spewing hurtful words? Might our new 'Christ-like' perspective cause us to act, speak and behave differently?
If we could see these situations as God does, those hurtful words, comments or actions might be viewed as stemming from some wound deep in the heart.
Pray and ask God to give us 'new eyes that see' and `new ears that hear` the real situation inside the heart of the other...and not just their outward behavior.
Blended families face challenges often because of mis-interpretation of a look or a word. God knows the truth. We believe families can grow to be `bonded` if they `look up` and `trust` in a God who can handle all situations, overcome common barriers, climb most of the mountains and slay all the giants. It is not easy always, but only through God can a step-family go from `broken to blended to Bonded`.
At The Bonded Family http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ we work with individuals and families and see hundreds of situations like this every year. We always stop, pray, ponder and ask God to let us 'see with new eyes' to help the family work through the dynamic relationship world of blended families.
It is often common when a child in new blended family thinks of a non-biological parent (step-parent) as `hating them`, or `being unfair` or even using those famous words 'you`re not my Mom/Dad!'.
It also could be a situation where one `ex` looks at another believing they are working to undermine a relationship with a bio child, or `reaching into` the new blended families home with comments about the home, the new marriage, or worst of all manipulating the minds of a child about your new spouse or family.
A `child` lashing out in a disrespectful moment, the `ex` trying to steal a special time with a child, the fellow parent speaking up for their own son or daughter at home...or any moment where a less than normal emotion or situation arises are all sadly common. Clearly we all experience these in blended families.
Commonly our human weakness is to blame, point the finger at someone, speak ill of them, throw up our hands and say `I quit`, or even saying things that can`t be taken back...all common or natural human reactions. If this is you as an adult or child...don`t beat yourself up...you have about 120 million fellow Americans in the same situation and slipping up the same as you. :-)
A Pastor / Author / Conference Speaker close friend and colleague, Dr. Dan Erickson ( http://www.greateryes.com/ ) once shared with us one of the most powerful comments as to these situations.
"See them as Christ would see them"
If we could see these situations as God does, those hurtful words, comments or actions might be viewed as stemming from some wound deep in the heart.
Pray and ask God to give us 'new eyes that see' and `new ears that hear` the real situation inside the heart of the other...and not just their outward behavior.
Blended families face challenges often because of mis-interpretation of a look or a word. God knows the truth. We believe families can grow to be `bonded` if they `look up` and `trust` in a God who can handle all situations, overcome common barriers, climb most of the mountains and slay all the giants. It is not easy always, but only through God can a step-family go from `broken to blended to Bonded`.
At The Bonded Family http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ we work with individuals and families and see hundreds of situations like this every year. We always stop, pray, ponder and ask God to let us 'see with new eyes' to help the family work through the dynamic relationship world of blended families.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Blogging on Divorce and Blended Families
God hates divorce...but He doesn't hate you...if you have walked through divorce. God is a God of second chances...if we sincerely ask Him for that. This is clear to us in the clear message to us in the Word of God - the Bible.
We believe WHY God hates divorce is because He knows all things. He knows the long term impacts and outcomes. He knows the 'ripple effect' that divorce will have on the lives - men and women - of those who've gone through it.
He knows the effect on the family, the children and the legacy of divorce. Blended Families (step-families) are one of the most dynamic relationship arenas in our world today.
There are many people and families seeking encouragement, hope and insight.
We hope these weekly thoughts will be a blessing to blended families all across America.
Those of us who have walked through divorce, many now in blended familes are not alone... there are close to 24 million blended families in our nation today. Estimates say 2000 new blended families / remarriages take place each day in America. Close to 125 million citizens are directly touched by divorce and the remarriages that creates blended families.
Lets stay like that tree in PSALM ONE... "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers....for the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish."
We believe WHY God hates divorce is because He knows all things. He knows the long term impacts and outcomes. He knows the 'ripple effect' that divorce will have on the lives - men and women - of those who've gone through it.
He knows the effect on the family, the children and the legacy of divorce. Blended Families (step-families) are one of the most dynamic relationship arenas in our world today.
There are many people and families seeking encouragement, hope and insight.
We hope these weekly thoughts will be a blessing to blended families all across America.
Those of us who have walked through divorce, many now in blended familes are not alone... there are close to 24 million blended families in our nation today. Estimates say 2000 new blended families / remarriages take place each day in America. Close to 125 million citizens are directly touched by divorce and the remarriages that creates blended families.
Lets stay like that tree in PSALM ONE... "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers....for the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish."
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